Why the breakup of a friendship can leave emotional consequences

Friendship is a relationship as old as humanity. It is such a common connection between people, that we could say that everyone at some point in life He has had at least one friend.

For psychology, friendship is also a relationship of great love and also of parity because “there is no power of one over the other,” explains Sara Moscona, bonding psychotherapist, member of the Argentine Association of Psychology and Group Psychotherapy.

“It is a bond with a loving bond, where the other has an important place, where there is empathy and there is the possibility of being someone who can change from the other person: because a friend can change you. It is of the same order as any bond of great love and is as strong as a relationship because it is very intimate and close.”

But what happens when a friend walks away or the bond is broken? Every day, an incalculable number of people around the world “separate” from someone who, until then, was part of their close environment, that emotional circle that psychology so praises.

Although in the collective unconscious, breakups between friends do not seem to have the same weight as other estrangements, such as a relationship breakup or the estrangement of a family member, ending a relationship with a friend is as complex and painful that forces you to go through a duel.

Just as each friendship is unique, “when a relationship of friends ends, it moves a process of emotional pain that is unique and unrepeatable in each individual. “It is an intimate, personal and different duel,” he explains to Viva the psychologist Viviana Ferro.

This grief almost always leaves an emotional mark and, sometimes, also deep wounds. “A patient told me that she had never been able to overcome the loss of a teenage friend -Moscona relates-. And although today she has other friends, that relationship marked her because that bond was part of her identity, of her subjectivity.

Ending a friendship causes great sadness, but that sadness is even greater when the distancing is unilateral or it occurs in a surprising way.

That happened to Alberto when his close friend walked away, without anger or arguments. From one day to the next, he “was erased.” “The only thing I remember is how disoriented that abandonment left me”, he assures. “To this day, I’m not sure what happened,” she concludes.

As time went by, he understood that relationships break and, although things could have turned out differently, it is necessary to accept them to move forward. “In the face of loss, one can stay stuck in grief, sadness or anger, which is why it is important to work on that pain. The challenge that grief imposes is to find a new meaning in life to move through and overcome the loss,” says Ms. Ferro.

Not all friendships end with fights, disputes, or a screaming scene. Boredom, lack of common interests, distance or simple disagreements These are factors that can initiate a process of silent distancing.

For example, in the movie The Spirits of the IslandPadrai, played by Colin Farrell, cannot accept that his good friend Colm (Brendan Gleeson) has moved away overnight.

Despite the pleas of Padrai, who becomes distressed and unsuccessfully seeks to get closer to his companion, Colm refuses to speak to him again and, much less, to resume the friendship they had.

Padrai suffers because “friendship is a bond of great love that one thinks it is reciprocal“, states Moscona, “and the character shows us that the breakup is very painful and that it is often irreparable.”

The disappointments, the resentment, loss of trust or betrayals They also cause abrupt breakups between couples, family members and, of course, between friends.

“Insurmountable fights or arguments caused by certain toxicity, such as recurrent abuse and contempt, displayed or hidden and sometimes difficult to detect, cause pain and produce scars that do not heal”, explains Sara Moscona.

In the ’90s, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall were coworkers and friends. Three decades later, the protagonists of Sex and the city are distanced by irreconcilable differences which would have been related, according to Cattrall’s statements, to the lack of professional and economic recognition.

The truth is that feelings such as jealousy, envy or rivalry can also appear within friendship relationships.

In that instance, it will be necessary to analyze whether it is healthy to remain within that bond. “Friends can also cause pain and, then, one can take distance and saying ‘I don’t want to continue a relationship with this person,’” adds Moscona.

Although friends are leading figures in our history throughout life, during adolescence they play a fundamental role. For this reason, the end of friendship between adolescents is an instance of great pain.

Ms. Ferro assures that when grief arises caused by a loss, whether of a friend or a loved one, this grief “adds to what all adolescents go through, simply because they find themselves going through that stage of your life. If the pain of grief is not expressed, far from going through it and overcoming it, it becomes entrenched.”

Luciana had a best friend during high school. They shared time, talked, and always sat together in the classroom, even outside of class. each one had other groups of friends. Around the middle of fifth grade, her friend told her that she preferred to sit with someone else.

“It made me sick. I felt like she was leaving a part of me because I’m reserved, it’s hard for me to open up, and she was one of my first friends, but I told her that she was fine, even though I felt there was a break”. He remembers that a few days later they got together and shared how they felt, but after that meeting, they did not speak again.

Last year, Luciana received a message from her old high school friend. She told him that she was writing to him to ask for forgiveness. “I forgave her. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends again. because for me something broke at that moment, but the fact that he apologized helped me put an end to the issue,” he commented.

Like Luciana, people who have the ability to forgive, achieve ease the pain of the breakup because “one has to do work to be able to forgive and that work also relieves one’s own pain,” explains Ms. Moscona.

Friendship is a love relationship, a deep and genuine emotional connection. In contrast, breaking up with a friend produces sadness, pain and anguish.

Each friend is irreplaceable and their absence is difficult to remedy. The “if I have seen you, I don’t remember” does not work when grieving for a friend who is not there, because such a deep bond requires time, reflection and allowing oneself to process all emotions which entails a loss.