Why is there so much porn and few relationships?

We are faced with a global sexual recession unprecedented in history. It is paradoxical, if we take into account the society hypersexualized We live in: pornography is just a click away and dating apps promise instant encounters. But, an eroticized atmosphere is not the same as an active sexual life.

According to Luigi Zoja, author of The loss of desire, the erotic apathy typical of young people is a symptom that reflects a much deeper malaise: an unconscious renunciation of humanity to life itself because it is too tiring.

To understand this paradigm shift, it is necessary to go back to the dawn of the 20th century, when Sigmund Freud, with his theory of the unconscious and infantile sexuality, opened the first threshold towards a new understanding of desire, which marked the beginning of a process of sexual liberation. This liberation, initially seen as an advance in the fight against repression and traditional morality, promised a freer, more pleasurable and guilt-free sexuality.

Already in this century, the spread of the Internet initially favored sexual practice, but when all knowledge became accessible on networks for everyone and at any time, individuals entered the second threshold, the current one, characterized by the fall of eros as a result of positive freedom, that is, of overabundance of options.

It is an almost immutable psychological law that overabundance itself causes disgust, decreased desire, and anxiety. Today, this paralysis and counterproductivity is clearly reflected in the use of dating apps. According to official data, for every 100 swipes, you only get an average of 1.63 matches, which does not translate into a sexual experience, but simply a like. Besides, In the United States, 30% of young people under 30 have not had sex sexual activity in the last year. In Germany, the proportion of sexually inactive young people aged 18 to 30 increased from 7.5% to 20.3% between 2005 and 2016.

In this context, Argentine sexologist Milena Mayer points out that, currently, young people are immersed in a culture marked by ephemeral relationships, fear of commitment and the difficulty of showing themselves vulnerable.

According to Mayer, the infinite possibilities of finding a partner or a sexual adventure through these platforms generate a feeling of saturation that often leads to emotional “anaesthesia.” “In the face of so much offer, FOMO (fear of missing out) is generated, the fear of missing out on ‘someone better’”, explains the specialist. This, he adds, impacts the emotional availability to form authentic and lasting bonds.

However, in an era that promises immediate sexuality, without barriers or restrictions, Where is there room for seduction and tenderness?

According to Mayer, With the pandemic this situation worsened. The sexologist affirms that the mandatory quarantine, logically, was the exponential kickoff “of sexting as sex without conflict, and without skin.” Furthermore, he adds that the therapeutic space encourages patients to find moments of leisure and pleasure on a daily basis.

“What we are in everyday life, we are in sexuality. I work a lot with self-management of pleasure, which is managing small moments of 10 to 40 minutes daily where we turn off our heads and connect with the pleasure situation. A soak, walking on the grass, reading in dim light… Leisure is frowned upon, but it is necessary for our mental and sexual health.”

In line with this, Zoja believes that the increase in virtual body substituteslike screens, is associated with the most important new bodily psychopathologies that appeared between the end of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st. Perhaps the increase in psychological pathologies is due to a trait observable in the younger generations: hatred of one’s own body. According to the latest global statistics on bullying published by the NGO Bullying Without Borders, cases of bullying continue to increase: seven out of ten children suffer some type of bullying and cyberbullying every day (very difficult to identify and punish).

The sexual recession could be signaling a return to more traditional values. “There has never been so much freedom and so little sex,” says Argentine technologist and writer Santiago Bilinkis. Could it be that the openness went too far and the collective unconscious is needing to return to modesty? The Argentine philosopher Florencia Abadi writes in The Birth of Desire: “Without shame there is no desire.” Eroticism supposes that there is a facade, a mask that must be transgressed. “Modesty creates a bond, it develops us into the consciousness of being constituted by the gaze of the other,” explains Abadi.

The emergence of INCELS, or involuntary celibatesmarks the extreme of this possible emergence to traditional values. Zoja says that this phenomenon is the tip of the iceberg of a collective male malaise.

INCELS are men who They consider themselves victims of feminism: they want a partner but consider that Women demand too much from men. In this context, sexual dissatisfaction becomes a rejection of women. In line with this, it is interesting to bring up data from an American survey that states that 17% of men aged 18 to 29 considers that asking a woman out for a drink can be classified as sexual misconduct.

Doubts about one’s own sexual orientation are another reason why there is a decrease in sexual activity. In particular, it causes it to be higher age in which one tends to have the first sexual relationship.

It is the first time in a century that the trend reverses its path. Milena Mayer also highlights that another factor is that there is more sexual education. “It has been shown that people who receive sexual education delay the start of relationships as they choose who to have them with. They look for people with whom they feel comfortable,” he asserts.

Also, we must take into account the impact of artificial fertilization in sexuality. Although only with time will it be possible to verify how the improvement of fertilization techniques contributes to the collective unconscious and its relationship with sexuality, according to Zoja it is evident that since life emerged in a laboratory, sex has lost its elemental association. with the creation of life. “It has become an accessoryand this has weakened him,” explains the Italian writer.

Another fundamental point to understand sexual recession is unlimited access to porn. Porn has become a distorted and coitocentric representation that offers unattainable models – where Women have a perfect body and men have permanent erections.creating psychological damage greater than traditional stereotypes.

So, it is logical that in individualistic postmodernism a considerable part of sexual relations is replaced by masturbationn, which can reveal a narcissistic tendency in society. If we take into account that people, unlike animals, are the only species in which solitary satisfaction can prevail over sexual relationships, the outlook becomes even more pessimistic.

In reference to this, Mayer says that the most frequent reason for consultation is about sexual dysfunctions (difficulty achieving an erection, orgasmic delay, decreased libido), especially in men with erectile dysfunction.

“He recently came a 31 year old patient “He has been in a relationship for the first time, six months ago, and he has no sexual desire towards her because, being accustomed to the sex he sees in pornography, he cannot connect with the intimate and real situation of sex,” explains the doctor. As a positive point, it also highlights that people now have easy access to information, so they consult more quickly when faced with sexual dysfunction.

Although the most common metaphor of our time is that of Narcissus, this culture of free relationships and emotional detachment actually reflects a deep need for connection. Lipovetsky calls the “desolation of Narcissus” the existential emptiness of postmodern man, trapped in his own reflection and, at the same time, longing for emotional bonds. The sexuality crisis could be a sign of the growing demand for new forms of genuine encounter, that is already taking shape.

A clear example of this is the rise in Buenos Aires of spaces designed to generate face-to-face connections between strangers, whether in a friendly, work or love environment. This trend, which was born in New York with supper clubs – gastronomic spaces created to meet people in a more intimate way – has been expanding and, in 2024, projects such as Vino con chamuyo and Extraños a la carte facilitated these real encounters.

Perhaps, with a virtual world saturated with sexual options, a way to counteract erotic apathy It means returning to the Levant in real life, among people of flesh and blood.