the signs that indicate that you have to go to therapy

The magic, the butterflies in the belly and the feeling of a fantasy story do not last forever in a couple. Sometimes the wear and tear is such that it looks a lot like boredom and that is when the relationship approaches a crucial point: To follow or not to follow?

Of course, there is no stipulated time for the arrival of this arduous decision, nor does it happen just once. Couples have their cycles and, many times, they must go through big waves for which they need outside help.like a couples therapist.

“Couples therapy usually gets a bad pressbecause many think that one starts it to separate. This is something of the collective unconscious and we must demystify it because it is not always like that,” explains psychologist Beatriz Goldberg, specialist in individual and couple crises, author of the books toxic couples y I want to be well as a coupleamong others.

As grandmothers say, “every couple is a world” and that is why there is no single reason to go to joint therapy.

“Sometimes yes, because they already have another armed couple and are looking to separate well. They come with something very resolved. There is also the case in which the other does not know that there is a third party. But couples come in crisis who give the sensation of having no way out and one finds that it is more due to an inability to dialogue than anything else.”Goldberg adds.

And he states: “That is why it is always advisable to have a check-up with a couples therapist before separating. Let’s see if it’s appropriate, if that step you intend to take is the best decision.”

For her part, the individual and couple clinical psychologist and sexologist, Andrea Lodigiani, member of the Argentine Association of Psychiatrists, assures that “attending couples therapy holds the hope of resolving what today keeps the members emotionally distant, identify what is hindering individual well-being within that link and to the link itself. It’s about thinking about giving yourself a chance to be better: in some couples this means falling in love again and choosing each other again; in others, put an end point.”

Lodigiani also agrees on the importance of good dialogue from the beginning. “Communication problems and lack of desire today lead the demand and appear masked in symptoms such as discomfort, monotony, lack of joy and tiredness”, he assures.

In the event of a relationship crisis, there are certain signs to take into account; alert lights that, when detected, warn that it is now advisable to undergo a specific therapy.

1) Dialogue problems: Key sign, perhaps the most important, because according to psychologist Beatriz Goldberg, “everything ends up being a failure in the communication circuit; In the long run, that’s why the separations are.”

And he adds: “When talking about it, new guidelines must be set. For example, if you previously shared expenses and now one has less work, he will need the other to contribute more. Then they must make a new pact to change the routine and adapt to the present.”

2) Lack of sexual desire: Another (and frequent) signal to determine the need for outside help. According to Andrea Lodigiani, “love can be forever; desire, no. Contrary to popular belief, desire is not spontaneous, it must be encouraged and worked on with oneself and with others.”

Therefore, it clarifies the importance of taking the time to connect with that desire and thus unfold fantasies and generate a better encounter with the other. “When you go on autopilot, there is wear and tear, routine,” says the sexologist.

3) Constant fights: “This generally happens when one argues loudly with the other without listening to them, without seeing their part and without making mea culpa about anything. The feeling sets in that everything good comes from one and everything bad comes from the other,” warns Goldberg.

“In-laws, money and politics are usually the most common topics that cause conflict in the relationship,” he adds.

4) Need for a change: “The desire to renew things in the context of a couple does not always have to do with loving a third party. Nowadays there is a lot of demand from women: they believe that men are more subdued, only plugged in with their work. And it happens that the same thing that he liked before, now bothers him. And this dynamic, obviously, also happens the other way around,” says Goldberg.

Now, what happens when one of the two doesn’t want to go to couples therapy? First of all, Lodigiani clarifies that it is not about having to convince him.

“No one can sustain a space in which they do not believe; In any case, you have to explain what is happening to you, your emotional situation and why you understand that going to a bond therapist could help,” says the specialist.

Besides, recommends having this conversation, like all important ones, in a neutral place, outside the home, where there are no interruptions or distractions (children, pets, dinner time, etc.).

For example, in a bar. “There, propose attending a first meeting with the chosen therapist to allow yourself to understand, from the professional’s hand, what the proposal is about, to be able to ask the questions that each one needs and explore how they feel,” he suggests.

Once the joint decision has been made, you will have to find the right professional. What should be taken into account when choosing it?

“There are many ways to reach a therapist: It is usually through the recommendation of a friend or another therapist., or through social networks. The first thing to do is confirm that you are a mental health professional, registered by the National Ministry of Health. For that, you have to ask for your registration,” recommends psychologist and sexologist Lodigiani.

It also suggests confirming that the professional is, in fact, a specialist in couples therapy, “since not all psychological help services for couples (family mediation, counseling for parents, among others) are considered as such and are not the same thing,” he says.

Finally, Lodigiani emphasizes the need to feel comfortable with your personal style and proposed approach.

According to Goldberg, Couples therapy can be a few meetings and it works when you have the tips and tools to move forward. “I work a lot with spiritual emotional intelligence, that is, that which makes us choose the best possible, be creative in general and with others,” says the professional.

And he maintains: “It serves not only for the couple but also for a good choice in the future in case of separation. Because if not, you make the same mistake again.”

Finally, the specialist makes it clear that, beyond all these questions and suggestions, It is essential that there is love. “That’s why it’s the first thing I ask in therapy,” he concludes.