Question: I have been married for 21 years and my husband goes months without speaking to me. Although he is a very hard worker and a good person, his silence hurts me a lot, although I think he doesn’t have a good time either. I don’t understand. What can happen to him? (MJA Cañuelas)
Silence occupies an important place in human communication and is often can be the main protagonist of the communicative act. It always has a very revealing sense, whether of harmony or, on the contrary, and frequently, of anger and rage.
Aggression and violence can manifest themselves in countless ways and silence It is one of the most powerful known, excluding the physical ones.
Elías Canetti said that “there are some who reach their maximum evil in silence,” pointing out that When it is deliberate and severe it can be more humiliating and devastating than verbal aggression.
Using silence is, without a doubt, one of the most subtle forms of emotional abuse and a visible weapon in order to avoid direct confrontation and thus manipulate the other.
Why is it abusive? Because It is a passive-aggressive behavior that seeks, precisely, to hurt and paralyze the other, and indicates a lack of care, respect and appreciation of who should be your interlocutor.
Es a frequent resource implemented by narcissistic personalities with the aim of manipulating and punishing the other, pushing them towards depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and psychological instability.
While people bound by love or a deep friendship can spend good times in silence, In a bad relationship or in disturbed personal relationships, silence expresses deep irritation. and wanting to hurt the other.
Often, a more accurate judgment can be made about a person, not so much by what they say but, precisely, by what they remain silent.
The “intention” of silence
In the decision to speak or remain silent, the intention is important, “the why” of the message since one can remain silent as an expression of love, care, not to make others suffer or, conversely, to attack, hurt, disqualify or ignore the other.
Although it is not noticeable, He who remains silent can make silence heard in its starkest version of violence. by not expressing in words what is present in private thoughts and excluding the other, ignoring them.
When someone is not willing to dialogue in the resolution of a conflict in which they are involved, expressing their feelings, their points of view and opening themselves to exchange, they launch a silent but very harmful war through silence; silent, but exhausting.
It is worth noting that aggressive silence often It also has a destructive effect on those who exercise it.since it affects both your physical health (possible hypertension, arrhythmias, gastritis, irritable colon, excessive alcohol intake, overweight) and emotional health (distress, bad mood, fear, depression, insomnia).
Therefore, whoever tries to be aggressive with his silence -and even if he succeeds-, Your pent-up rage can transform into a dangerous boomerang since what you do not express in words will inexorably damage your body by being the carrier of a time bomb, which stress hormones and brain neurotransmitters will explode at some point.
The emotional distance that silence imposes is never the best way to resolve conflicts. Those who remain silent are frustrated by not expressing what they think and feel.and whoever does not receive the message loses an opportunity to learn, correct, explain or rethink their actions and behaviors.
