“Monogamy or bullet.” “I couldn’t.” “You are afraid of commitment.” “You are a conscious cornudo.” “It’s because You weren’t really in love”These are some of the typical comments that people such as Pol, Nazareno, Luana, Beti, Lean or Ariel receive when they have a non -monogamous way of life.
Open relationship, polyamor and polygamy These are sometimes used with lightness. They are considered terms that are “fashionable”, which more or less refer to emotional relationships Without sexual exclusivitythat more or less have to do with being able to go out with many people or have sex with anyone. But how do you live exactly?
Broving myths
Pol is 23 years old, it is not binary and began to have non -monogamous relationships at 17 “although seeing it in retrospect, I always had A relational form that moved a lot away from monogamyfor how I subjectively lived the idea of love and how I organized my links in this regard, ”he explains.
In line with this, Brigitte Vasallo tells in his book monogamous thought, a polymoric terror that monogamy is not defined by exclusivity, but by the importance of the couple in front of other links: The hierarchy of some affections on others.
Wanting to disassemble monogamy simply by eliminating sexual exclusivity is like looking at the tip of the iceberg of A thought system That dictates how, when, to whom and how to love and desire.
Cecilia Figlioli and Pablo D’Oto have been a couple for 18 years, have an open relationship 12 and currently coexist with Sebastián and Florence, with whom they share the upbringing of their son. Together they founded Open relationshipsa space dedicated to research and dissemination of non -monogamies, and carry out a polyclinic.
To the question of what a non -monogamous person is to be answered that The bases are non -possession, consensus and consent.
“Most people think it is to go out with many people, when in reality it is a form of social, political and economic organization where we do A criticism of the love belief system and relationships called romantic love, ”they say.
Even many of the people who attend the polyclinic do not carry Polyamorous relationshipsbut they find it useful to be observed from a non -monogamous paradigm.
Aleven is a psychologist and creator of the project Critical leaksa space dedicated to sharing about relationships, non -monogamies and mental health. Julieta Mor is a worker in psychoeducation and neurodivergente activist, and has also been part of the space Critical leaks.
The two explain that, while in the monogamous relationships the steps are already defined previously (I know a person, I fall in love, if it is mutual I hope there are A dating with sexual exclusivityetc), in non -monogamous relationships each bond has its own pacts and ways to build an affective network that is drawing according to the intentions of those involved.
That is, there is A constant review how time is distributed and also care according to what each individual needs at the time.
Luana is 25 years old and began to venture into open relationships at 19. people who see me as possession And not as a couple, ”he says.
While at the beginning he tried to relate in a non -monogamous way because he believed that it was going to be more “light” and was going to avoid feeling “trapped”, with the passage of time he understood that What allowed him non -monogamy was to feel “in control of his body”“Who and when I have relationships and linked affectively.”
The other day I scored in a club and I had to complete who my partner was. I didn’t know what to write, I put it single.
The idea of possession that Luana speaks about Your first relationship It is intrinsically linked to monogamous thought.
As Brigitte Vasallo explains, monogamy is supported by the dynamics of competition, hierarchy, confrontation and exclusionfunctional to the capitalist system. In relation to this, Luana explains that monogamy is present in all social structures.
“They raise us for the competition, to have that single thing (a job, a material good, a couple), with the mentality that, if you don’t run, someone else wins you,” he says. Beti (35), who It is nine years ago with Mateo and five with Juanhe says: “The other day I scored in a club and in the form I had to complete who my partner was. I had to put a single person so I ended up writing that it was single.”
We also see the monogamy imposed in society in the famous matrimonial bed, in the tour packages designed for two people, in couple therapy or in power access certain civil benefits Only through a marriage have two people.
I have no friends, I have loves
It is important to note that thinking non -monogamous implies A deep review of relational paradigms Not only of the couple, but also of the family, of the friendships, of the neighbor.
It implies the extension of the ethics of care and consent to all interpersonal ties. For example, if my biological dad exercises abusive behaviors, The possibility of dissolving this link is raisedin contrast to the monogamous conception of family relations that are sacred, for a lifetime.
The Active Sex Revolution, the book by Cecilia Figlioli and Pablo d’Oto.As Pol says: “No monogamy teaches us that we can get out of there as we would do with any other link of our life that is harmful, and also validates an infinity of other ways to make family”.
For its part, Julieta Mor explains that the emergence of the new affective models also have to do with “being part of a generation that perhaps does not want to repeat the family forms in which we have raised, because we have discovered that the family focus is often the first scope of violence that is crossed.”
So, as being non -monogamous it is to decentralize the importance of the couple over other affections, this way of life from singleness can be inhabited, or deciding prioritize friendships About the couple link.
For example, Nazareno (34) emphasizes that what was most resigned from building horizontal relationships were his friends. “The greatest love I have today are my friends. I do not think I have a best friend, everyone contributes something valuable. I fell in love with my friends from that place, ”he says.
Rosario Pozo Gowland is 41 years old, she is a lawyer and sociologist, practices non -monogamy for five years and is the founder of tell me a book, A Reading Club and Learning Space which encourages the study and debate of dissident themes using books as kick.
In one of the Masterclass he dictated referring to the subject, he refers to the phrase of Pedro Lemebel “I have no friends, I have loves”, reinforcing the idea that he brings to Nazarene collation about Friendship as a way of doing family outside hegemonic family structures.
“No Monogamia totally moves away from heterosexual thought and is approaching Queer much more, where friendships are the family and the center is not the couple,” says Rosario.
In line with this, Aleven argue that one of the greatest difficulties of live in a non -monogamous way It is the difficulty in naming the pain of friendship ruptures.
That is, when the couple is decentralized and friendships become one of the vital foci, The duel of a friendship is as heartbreaking as the duel of a couple And yet, there are no narratives to help us say friends or linguistic resources to communicate our pain, as there are when it comes to the separation of a couple.
Nothing is casual
Monogamous thought did not arise naturally, but is a consequence of various transitions in the Affective models From ancient times to the present. In his book The Active Sex Revolution, D’Orto and Figlioli demonstrate how every time there is a change in the way of work, a change in the family structure arises and therefore ends up modifying the couple model.
As for the current scenario, Figlioli and D’Orto explain that the emergence of open relationships is related to work automation. It all started with the appearance of the appliance, which released the women from many tasks, so they found themselves in the face of what to do with that free time, where to apply the “leftover libido.”
I started living non -monogamy at age 28. The biggest challenge is to know who to talk to because not everyone has an openness. Lean, not monogamous
At this point domestic tasks or work outside the home already They did not define the identity of peoplethen the search for individual autonomy begins.
Today another seasoning is added: couples are connected 24/7 through the multiple existing media. This also influences the search for personal development and autonomy.
“I couldn’t”
Lean is 33 years old and began to live the non -monogamy at 28. to the question of what is it The biggest challenge He says that “you have to know who to talk to because not everyone has the opening to address the issue.”
Nazareno adds that many times you want to be transparent, “but you are very resistance” on the other side. “As if the polymorge sustained a lie because we don’t have The necessary level of commitment to have only one partner. ”
Maybe at the bottom of criticism towards non -monogamy, a Fear of having to reassess our way of lifeto link, to think about desire and love.
“I do not usually go out with monogamous people because it generates rejection in general. There are a great limitation when thinking that polyamor It is a threat to other people’s lives, ”says Nazareno.
Is that why the meme of “monogamy or bullet” hits so much? Pol comments that, although he understands that it is humor, his popularity does not seem casual. “Can you imagine if we said ‘heterosexuality or bullet?’, Would be a paper, right?” For Beti The biggest challenge It is “the management of time and energy” and Luana adds that, contrary to what is believed, “the level of responsibility is very high.”
If this is not contemplated, a bond is likely to become, as Vasallo writes, in The perfect refuge for emotional individualism“Loving many people in the background not having to love anyone.”
