Catholic dating is not a miniature marriage, explains expert

Pep Borrell (Barcelona, ​​1963) is a dentist by profession, but his passion is to know and spread the deep and countercultural truth of courtship and marriage according to the teachings of the Catholic Church.

Married, father of five children and grandfather of five grandchildren, he has just published Boyfriends 100% How to shoot the rod successfullyhis second book after Dance in the kitchen. The secret of marriages that enjoy.

In this volume dedicated to courtship, he addresses the main questions about this important stage, with a view to forging the foundations for a solid and happy marriage.

Through language close to young people, Borrell analyzes the phases of love, offers keys to choosing well and approaches current aspects such as meeting on the Internet, fear of commitment, cohabitation, long-distance courtships or relationships with the political family.

In conversation with ACI Prensa, Borrell affirms that sentimentality threatens Catholic courtship, that the fundamental thing about this stage is “to know each other thoroughly” and that “attraction and falling in love come to you, but you work for love.”

It also underlines the “supernatural meaning” of sexual relations in marriage and argues the reasons for postponing this union during courtship, while remembering that “there is only one more intimate union between two bodies than the sexual union of spouses: Eucharist”.

What is the greatest or most dangerous threat to holy courtship today?

Without a doubt, discouragement and lack of joy, thinking that it is not possible and that love forever does not exist. Getting carried away by the prevailing sentimentalist atmosphere makes it difficult to consider things with a future and commitment.

In today’s culture it is very popular to talk about “couple” as a formula that does not necessarily imply a commitment. What essential commitments does a courtship imply?

I like to say that courtship is not a “miniature marriage”, it is a very different stage in which the fundamental thing is to know each other thoroughly to know if with the person we are dating, we are capable of sharing life.

It is the most important choice of our lives, for those of us who have a vocation to marriage, which is the vast majority, and too many times it is made without much reasoning, only moved by feelings or by the good time we had or by the things we shared. and we believe that with that person we date, we will have a good time all our lives. They enjoy, but they don’t know each other.

Although important emotions are experienced, especially during courtship, it highlights the importance of rationality in a love relationship. Why doesn’t this mean “killing” love, which is so often depicted as passionate, a little crazy and emotional?

There is the quid of the question: knowing how to distinguish the feeling from the will to love. What you may feel is one thing and what you decide to do is quite another. That is why in the initial stages of dating we must always ask ourselves a question: Is it right for me?

Attraction and falling in love come to you, but you work for love. Because falling in love is pure feeling, one’s own feeling “I feel very good” and love, wanting to love someone, is an act of will “I will go out of my way to make you happy.”

Therefore: I can commit to loving, because it depends on me, but I cannot commit to feeling because feelings come and go, we do not control them. But the most interesting thing, and this is the wonder of love, when you work for it, when you make an effort to want the good of the other, to think more about the other than about yourself, the feeling returns and is even more powerful.

The problem is that at first it is not easy because falling in love is a hormonal explosion that often blinds our intellect. That is why it is good to let the tsunami go down, to know yourself thoroughly to make the right decision which, let us remember, is the most important of your life.

Nor can we act exclusively motivated by reason and be repellent by rationally analyzing any decision, we must marry in love, but not stupid.

What to do with that fact that I don’t like anything, anything, anything about the other person?

The important thing is to know that there are things about the other that you don’t like, we all have virtues and defects, it is very important to know the defects of your boyfriend or girlfriend, you have to love them with their virtues and their defects.

That which you don’t like at all, you will have to assess whether it is something that can be discussed, important or serious. If it is something that is opinionable, you not only have to respect it, but you must also make an effort to accept it. If it is important, you have to discuss it thoroughly and make a decision. If it’s something serious… leave it, don’t get into trouble.

A common mistake is wanting to change the boyfriend or girlfriend or expecting them to change, but we can only apply the changes to ourselves. You have to know what things the other person doesn’t like so, as far as possible, try to improve them. But each one has their virtues and defects, you have to know them and accept them or know them and leave them.

He claims that “courtship is not a daycare.” Is there a lot of childishness at this stage? How to remedy it?

Currently there is a lot of laziness and I write it with an “o” because there are more “lazy” men than women, although, as in everything, we are becoming equal. Men who find it very difficult to make an effort, to commit, to sacrifice, who only look at their navel, who only do what they want and when they want.

With this type of people it is very difficult to maintain a relationship, because dating requires effort, going out of your way, getting the best out of yourself. It must be a time of hope, of enthusiasm… If you see that your boyfriend throws the couch a lot and is very capricious with his things, he is not a good candidate to start a family. Courtship is not about being a nurse or caregiver for anyone.

For Catholics, is the fact that a dating relationship brings you closer or further away from God the irrefutable proof to continue or leave it?

Catholics must ask ourselves this question before any decision in life, from the simplest to the most complicated: Does this bring me closer or further away from God? And obviously in courtship, which, I repeat, is the time in which we will make the most important decision of our life, of course we must ask ourselves the question and if a courtship separates you from God, we must leave it or remedy it.

Courtship should bring out the best version of yourself, it should not separate you from anyone, it should make you a better person, a better student or professional, a better friend of your friends, a better son. The best version of yourself.

The couple must help each other to achieve it. It is a time in which one must be radiant, wanting to take on the world. If, instead, a relationship separates you from God, your family and friends, makes you more apathetic or takes away your peace, it is not for you, leave it.

In the book he defends that “there is nothing safer than having sexual relations exclusively with the person you love, who is the one with whom you decide to share your entire life.” Beyond health security, what other security are you referring to?

Sexuality is the language of love, men need the body to say that we love each other. The maximum union between a man and a woman is to have sexual relations, it is the maximum of intimacy. We give ourselves totally to each other, without conditions.

That surrender must be free, total, faithful and fruitful and that can only happen in marriage. A relationship outside of marriage will be free, but it is not total, because you have not given yourself body and soul to that person; He is not faithful either, because you have not assured him that this relationship is forever, until death do us part; and, surely, it will not be fruitful because it will not be open to life.

This doctrine of the Catholic Church is not designed to annoy the staff, it is designed so that we can be happy on this earth and then be happy eternally in heaven.

It is not a matter of sin or prohibition, it is a matter of dedication and love, because if not, what is in store for that unique person with whom you are going to share life and who are going to be one body?

Sexuality is a gift from God to human beings, only to us, because we are rational, we have intelligence and the will to do things and we can enjoy it as we want, collaborating with God in procreation and uniting our bodies as one flesh. , image of the One and Triune God, community of love. Beautiful, God thought of us like this. How wonderful.

“In marriage, having sexual relations is praying.” How can we explain this truth revealed to the Catholic Church in a secularized society?

The supernatural sense of sexual relations is something spectacular. God is love and the maximum expression of love in marriage is the sexual union of spouses who become the image of God, two people who join together forming one flesh.

We express our love for God by loving our spouse, we use our body to express our love. A love that is the image of God’s love for the Church that is his wife and that is also free, total, faithful and fruitful.

There is only one more intimate union between two bodies than the sexual union of spouses: the Eucharist. In communion we literally eat the body of Christ and become one with Him, a miracle.

I know that it is not easy to understand for a non-believer, you have to live it, you have to enjoy it, living human love with this supernatural vision is playing in another league. Let’s dance!!